Monday, July 4, 2016

Here She Is Again

for 3 years, I was in love with a woman. She was my "Bright Eyes." I would do anything for her. I though we may have been together in past lives. We were engaged. She instantly felt trapped. Her mental illnesses surfaced. It got ugly. We broke. Six months later she realized something, said sorry, I accepted her back. She then again scummed to her illness of being deceptive in love; being liar and cheater; and again ditched me. In the process of ditching and accepting, somehow we celebrated 3 years of togetherness. 

I tried and tried, still again, this is the phase of ditching. She again eloped; ran away quoting "things are not working."

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Another Bad Birthday

To hurt her back, I blocked her from every possible way except mail.

It’s 23 June, my birthday. I expected her birthday wish at 12 am. I was keeping on refreshing the Gmail time and again. Time passed, I slowly started howling and it got worse. Although she was not the first person to call me, finally, thank god, I got her call from another number, which I had forgotten to block. She wished me well. I wanted to talk more but my anger overpowered me and I yelled at her. I said why now? Why she is calling if we are on no talking terms for a month? Why this day is special? But from inside, it was enough for me to make me feel good that she at least called me, and I thanked her from the heart.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

I Ponder

It’s been 3 months already and I haven’t written anything in this year. I was not feeling to write anything. This year has been calm and peaceful; and I have been sober. But, I know this time will pass too. I guess something is going to happen; I don’t know if it would be good or bad for me. Things are yet to happen. Nothing has changed from the last year except the dates.

I will be going to Sasaram, Bihar in next month. I should let you know that my family has shifted to Bihar, permanently. Our new home is being constructed there. I am excited to see the new home and comparatively new place.

Conversely, I am nervous too. I guess I don’t need to explain why I am nervous. Actually, I am scared.

I am scared of many things—scared of telling truth, scared of losing someone, scared of hurting someone, scared of breaking hopes. I don’t know what to do. I had decided, let things happen, but now I am nervous. I had made my thoughts that whatever happens, happens for a reason; so chill. 

I tried to get something but I failed. I tried with full effort and desire yet I couldn’t get it. What does it mean? Is it not in my fate? I thought the same. Thus, a strong thought of “whatever happens, happens for a reason” made a place in my find. I won’t cry; I won’t try hard again for the same thing. I won’t bear the pain of losing again and failing again.

However, my days in Bangalore are passing beautifully. I am happy. I fear this happiness will fade away. I need to do something. But the negativity prevailing in my mind asks—do I need to do something? Is the other person also willing to do so? Will that person put some effort too? I am clueless. Does it worth? Should I care anymore? So many questions…

I feel everything will be fine; though, I haven’t decided to do anything yet. Let see what happens.







Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Deceiver

It's Diwali today. People are burning candles and enlightening their surroundings. I did the same; I lighted diyas early in the evening . But, along with diyas, I was also burning. Burning inside.

She mailed me asking if I remember how it all had started.  She told me that it had started with "Happy Diwali" on Facebook.
Shamelessly, she asked if we can start it all over again. It means that she was asking me to trust her again. Betraying me 4 times, she was asking me to forget everything seeking to be friends at least. This was very ridiculous and funny. These were the same dialogues as she had used before; and I was fool to trust her again and again.
I was almost about to say yes but controlled myself. I made her remember what she has done to me.  She further added that It was important for her to know about me and what's happening with me.

She said that she always comes back. But I realized coming back and cheating is her habit. She doesn't care about my emotions, she doesn't value me as a person. She is a deceiver.

My heart was melting after hearing her voice, I was dying to hear her. But, what I had to hear that she was more interested in my whereabouts and what I am going through rather then telling that She wanted to make things right. Making me as a Facebook chat friend, which I never wanted, she wanted that to me become.

I had promised myself not to contact her and I never did nor I will. I feel I wouldn't have replied her also. I feel she is not in pain as I do. This is making my pain worse.

She also told me that I can take it as chance to choose and be happy, LOL.

What she doesn't know is that she comes and goes for her happiness, she acts according to her mood.
Her so called love is mood-dependent love, feeling-based love.

She will never know what is love.

She asked me to let her know if I get married. She never tried to make things right again. I told her that I would never get over her. I will not forget her, I can't. I will remember her as a cheater.

I have now a feeling that, I am scared of her more than I love her. I am scared of her lies, her gimmick-oriented mix-up character, her weird definition of love and most of her deceiving love. She will keep playing with me and my emotions.

Monday, November 9, 2015

When should a person not forgive?

By: Tamara Biediger (From Quora)

A person should not forgive when they decide they should not forgive.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. It is often more cathartic for the person bestowing forgiveness than the person receiving it. But not always.

Forgiveness for the sake of forgiveness can ring hollow. Often, we are encouraged to forgive sleights against us in order for our own sake - in order to move past an event that caused us grief. It is treated as though it is a necessary component for closure.

I contend that it is not. For example, my ex-husband inflicted mental and emotional abuse on me. I have never forgotten the things he did. I have since moved on from the bad experience and it no longer resonates in my daily life. But I did not forgive him and I have several reasons.

First, he showed no remorse for his actions. Sure, I could have forgiven him in spite of his attitude, but that smacks of martyrdom. The only person who would know of my magnanimous forgiveness would be me and anyone else I told about it and I preferred to leave him out of my current relationships entirely. He did terrible things to me, and I saw no point in giving him a pass for it.

Second, I have moved past the incidents. I feel no particular malice for him anymore, nor do I feel any need to validate anything he's done against me. It simply does not matter anymore.