Thursday, September 21, 2017

Things I Know Now, Better than Anyone

Blind trust = Betrayal.

Blind trust puts trust in someone without any concern of proven trustworthiness. In the end, you will be betrayed. And, the mistake was yours for trusting someone blindly. You give your trust to a person who does not deserve it, you actually give him the power to destroy you.
I know it best.

Over-thinking = Depression.

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. Just by merely making negative interpretations and judgments about a situation can render you vulnerable to depression.
I know it, but I do it. I think it’s my hobby, I can’t get out of it.

Saying “no” = Very important.

Honoring yourself is the most important thing. I know it's very hard to think about letting someone you care about down or falling short of someone’s expectation of you. Sometimes saying "no" can even be heartbreaking to someone else. But so is saying "yes" when you don’t really mean it.
Still I am learning how to say NO.

Revenge = Ruining our own life; Letting go = Peace of mind.

Will you feel better after a revenge? People who have been hurt or betrayed seem to believe without any doubt that if the other party suffers, then they will feel better--their emotional pain will lessen. Is this true? NO! Revenge increases anger rather than decreasing it is because of ruminations.
I still get angry and think of taking revenge.

Observing = Increase in wisdom.

Opinions come naturally to us. Wisdom does not. Opinions are common. Wisdom is not. We can form an opinion quickly, but wisdom takes time to develop. We can begin to develop it from the knowledge gained from careful observation of the lives of others, from a critical examination of our own lives, and from purposeful meditation. It’s how we connect and employ knowledge that counts. 
I excel in it.

Forgiving= Healing.

Individuals who have been hurt, betrayed and abused have the right to be angry and resentful. Forgiving yourself is crucial for healing. To forgive yourself, you must accept that you were/are vulnerable and allow yourself to be human. This means accepting that you may have made mistakes if, in fact, you had made any concerning your safety or welfare.
I can’t forgive everyone, exceptions are there.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Not Even a Goodbye

A story starts when someone enters in your life. We start with hi, but it is not sure there would be a goodbye in the end. If someone exits your life and leaves without a goodbye then you are left waiting. 

I cannot even believe that she is gone. There is always a what if. My questions remain unanswered. I just ask myself, is it over? Is she coming back? Can I move on? I know that I do not need anyone’s permission to move on and I should not wait, but regardless I do. I deserved a goodbye because there were two playing games. She said hello, she was there for laughs or may be in some cries too. I believe that even if there was no goodbye, it is over now.

If she could not say goodbye then her hi was never real.

Just imagine, someone promises you to meet you in evening and after few hours you get to know that the person is no more in you life. You are blocked on every possible means of contact. I just think, am I that kind of guy, was I so bad to her? Do I deserve this? I kept calling her only to hear that I am blocked. I visited her place only to know that she does not stay there any more. This was worst than the time when she eloped just a week before our engagement. Anyway, I was an idiot to give her a chance. Does not matter she cheated, she lied, and simply faded away, she was of value to me. I spent time, energy, and uncountable heartfelt moments with her, and she made me small and insignificant. It does not say anything about me but a quite a lot about her. And it will haunt her. I am sure; at some point in her life, she will be left hanging. Wait! 

Leaving and not saying goodbye seldom makes sense. Even today I check my Facebook and other account whether she has unblocked me. I dial her old phone numbers daily only to break my hopes. Daily, I get numerous heartbreaks, perhaps this is my way of moving on. Lol.

The world is too small, I wonder, if by any chance, If she sees me, how she would be able to say hello to me without remorse. LOL I am still hopeful to see her and trust me, I hate myself for this. 

And maybe, if she is lucky enough, she will meet someone to whom she will never want to say goodbye to. I am sure she will find someone. Even she might have found someone. And I am here dwelling on the past, LOL. Anyway, God bless her!

Monday, September 4, 2017

The Sneeze

My friend, Tanuj, asked me, “It has been how many days since your breakup?” I replied, “Almost 6 months.” He reacted by saying that now I am safe, as I am out of suicidal thoughts and have successfully passed the depressive phase. But I knew, he was wrong. I am not afraid of admitting that I am still stuck in this phase. The lonely and endless nights of darkness still brings the thought of ending my life. I know it's only been 6 months, but I get scared. Scared that I am going to be trapped with this emotional state. I am still in love with my ex and I know this for a fact. I contemplate about the times we had spent. I cannot seal this empty space in me. I just want to be over this breakup. I try to set goals for myself but I never feel pleased. What is even worse is that I don't trouble reaching out to my friends or family about this any longer.

I am tired and I just want everything to go away.

I feel, the most difficult thing I will ever do in my life is to not take my life. It’s really difficult for me right now.

At the same time I believe that I am brave and there are others in this world who love me. It would be very weird feeling for few people after knowing what is going on in my mind. But as I said, I don’t care now what people think. Now, I don’t screen my writing just to keep myself safe from jaw-dropping, disappointing gestures, and all varieties of verdicts that a genuine piece of writing invites.

I remember the day when Robin Williams died. I never imagined that depression would be such a brutal beast, which can kill a person like him. I mean Robin Williams, who was full of passion, determination, and was a genius. I believe that he might be going through a hell of depression. I have heard people accusing the ones who have taken their own lives saying that why she/he had to die. It doesn’t solve anything. He/she was coward. But, according to me, taking own life is not cowardice. It also needs courage. Actually, depressed people don’t fear death.

If a person like Robin Williams can commit suicide then really there is something wrong with this world.

I know that it won’t make any sense to anyone who has never experienced severe depression, especially the suicidal one. It’s like having an urge to sneeze. When you feel like sneezing, you just follow your body’s order and sneeze without thinking anything. You know that it is very strong command, and you simply follow it. You don’t think about your family or any other reasons, which can stop you doing it. You feel that anything less than a sneeze will not relive your sensation.

And now you know what I mean when I say, “Robin sneezed.”

Thursday, August 24, 2017

I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore

Every day is a war for me, war inside my head 
Trying to expunge your false promises off my mind 
I am tired; I am emotionally drained 
I want to close my eyes and 
Never open them again. 

You left me with sleepless nights 
Tired of feeling like I am all alone 
quivered to the core 
Seems like I have hit the breaking point 
I don’t know who I am anymore.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

From Everything to Nothing

It is very fascinating how we force forgetting someone, how we make ourselves believe that things change. We force ourselves to make people who used to be everything into nothing again. One thing for sure we learn—pain is a better teacher than the happiness. The aftermath teaches you what the relationship itself does not.

Nevertheless, does it really mean that you made the person you loved a stranger again? You see, you never really stop thinking about them or knowing them in that way. True that you have no choice other than to make them someone different in your mind, but the person whom you know remains the same. Even that person knew your mood, anxieties, how you looked naked or when you cry or shout and how much you loved them.

No matter how much you tried, the memories that are imprinted on the places you went, the food you ate, songs you listened, things you said, and all those bits of memories linger. They will not go, never. Those songs will always make you realize that you are still revolving around them and may be you never stopped revolving around them. Do you ever forget your lover’s birthday, your first times, anything? No! Do the anniversaries ever become like normal days? No!

Now that you have broken out, do you decidedly ignore them, as they are now nothing to you or you have no other choice? There is always a continuous battle between your mind and the heart. The mind tells NO and the heart tells to GO ON. Either you love someone, in some way, forever, or you never really loved him or her at all. One thing is sure, you come to know more about love and what it can do; the pain and emptiness love brings. However, I am not sure whether anybody else can match the void of someone who was so deeply impressed in you.

The sweetest wine can turn into the sharpest vinegar. It is better to force yourself to be stranger for a person you loved the most. Emotions hurt and being stranger is better than being jealous and emotionally distraught by knowing what is happening in his/her ex's life. At least it is true in my case.

I am not here to write about what happens after a breakup or separation neither about what we revolve after they are gone. I just want to tell you that things change and it is not in our hand. We all start as strangers, what we forget is that we rarely choose who ends up a stranger.

People change, unfortunately a way of life. Hard to accept sometimes, but I do believe people have different priorities—more important than your love, at least in my case. For the best, the only option you have left with is being strong and leaving the pieces on the floor and move on. You have no other choice, people who have left you are not coming back, it was their choice and preference. Even you have loved them deeply; it does not matter.

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