Monday, January 15, 2018

Dear Ex

I am not done hating you, I will hate you forever. Now, I see that you have unblocked me from Facebook but I won’t befriend you, never. Yes, you were the one who broke me the hardest, but still I survived. I hate you more than I ever loved anyone in my life. Hating you brings misery to me, I burn inside, I curse god, but regardless I will hate you forever.

Yes, I stalk your profile on social sites. Now, it doesn’t matter if I am blocked or not. I know that I can’t move on. It is the truth. You must be happy seeing me like this, just enjoy. I know you don’t care, but daily I sleep with a fight and later wake up to the same. The fight is to forget you. I fight your actions, your words, your ignorance, and your lies. I fight them with my love still left for you, a love that is still too hard to let go. I don’t know when my love changes to hate often.

I wish you could realize how heartbreaking it is when I defend you against myself, for the things that you actually have done or do to hurt me. I wish you could hear the stupid excuses I make from your side when my friends tell me how bad you are for me. I wish you could see how I torture my soul to forgive you for what you have done to me. I wish you could see me beg myself to keep you and another time to let you go from my heart.I wish you could see me sob on my pillow, when I, for a second, decide to let you go.

I wish you could hear me curse myself for having thought bad about you. I wish you could ever know what I go through, daily, to keep us together and at the same time knowing that you were never mine. I feel disgusted with myself, at times. I feel like spitting at myself in the mirror for killing my self-respect for you, for our love. I used to be such a self-loving person, earlier, but now, I don’t think that I even like myself. My whole existence is reduced to get some love back from your side. I hate myself now.

Sometimes I feel I love you, and I love you with all my heart, soul, and with every trace of life that resides in me. I don’t want to lose you. I am ready to wait for you to change. But sad, I have lost you long back, perhaps I never had you. Even if you change, I fear I will accept you again only to be left again.

I kill myself daily to live with you. I want you to know that it pains me a lot when you say you never loved me, there was no love. I want you to know that I feel helpless that I can’t just walk off from a person, whom I have made my home. I want you to know that I have cried so many nights because you made me feel unlovable. I want you to know that you break my heart, daily. I hate that I am not giving up on you yet.

I hope after reading this, something stirs in your soul. But next second it breaks my heart that it never happens. Nothing is important than your selfishness, I know, it’s your body your choice.

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. 

I too know it. Unfortunately for me, it is not working. I must be easy for you to choose not to suffer, why will you? You were never in love but me. It was I who was in love. I have to suffer.

The stupid scar, what I left with, now immediately brings me regret and makes me remember you. You termed it madness, impulsiveness but I know I couldn't handle shit that you never loved me, I just wanted to see you. I just felt so numb inside that I cut to feel something. Anyway, I was crazy, now I know. I did it to see you, to be with you. People ridicule me for this. Still finding a way to hide it. I might be successful in hiding this scar on my wrist but not sure of that on my soul.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Five Things to Do

Last Wish to Your girlfriend, Even When You Were Blocked from Every Possible Means of Contact

I was now just an ex for her. The girl I loved was treating me as no one. She was completely apathetic to me. I was blocked from every possible means of contact.

It was 14 December 2016. I just wanted to wish her on her birthday. I pondered, on her birthday, everyone must have wished her. I knew, she must have liked every post on her Facebook wall and said thanks to everyone. I too wanted to type so hard to convey all my wishes to express how special she was to me on that day. But I couldn't. I thought, my post will never reach her, not anymore.

I wanted to message her for the last time.

And, I found a way. I knew her bank account details. I transferred money from my account to her and I wrote in transaction remarks— “Happy Birthday ******.” I wanted to write more, but the maximum limit of texts was reached.

But I know I wished her, I sent my message, perhaps she will never know.

Here is the screen shot.

I know this is creepy, she doesn't want to hear from me or see my face. But I couldn't control. I swear, this won’t happen again.

My Life Story in Four Sentences

  1. Didn't know how to talk to girls.
  2. Eventually, a girl proposed me, fell in love with her deeply.
  3. Later got cheated and badly hurt.
  4. Now, working on career and waiting for success.