Saturday, 28 March 2015

It is No Finally!

People around me were sad, because India had lost to Australia in the semi final in CWC 2015. Even I was sad, but not due to India loss. I had lost my love. Even if India were the winner nothing was going to change. I felt nothing after India loss although I am a die-hard Indian cricket team fan. I didn't make my pain any worse. 

It was painful to admit that loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things. We were going to be engaged in a couple of weeks, but things changed overnight. I had a general conception that when the relationship is going on smoothly both (men and women) tend to love each other. But when there comes the testing situation, girls generally make more practical decisions (taking care of there future). Boys; however, sometimes being more emotional in decision making follow heart. That's why now a days we are in an age where we dare to say "I love you" but when the real scenario comes we withdraw from our decision, thinking of future and safer side. Here "She" had to do so.

We were together for more than a year; we had shared our dreams together. I never thought this was coming. She ditched me for my happiness, lol. She didn't know marrying her was my happiness. I was very happy and had informed my relatives and my friends. I was getting prepared for it for a month. I didn't know it would be a “NO” again. Yes “NO”, probably for the 4th time. We had plans to visit Siddhivinayak temple (Mumbai) on the occasion of Ramnavami, lol. I couldn't visit but she did. Perhaps Lord Ganesha made her to take this decision. Probably, it was always in her mind and she went the temple just to say "God believe me, what I am doing is right, make me strong enough to do this."

I was fool to understand that she never wanted to marry. It was me who actually forced her in the name of love, which was never there from her side. So, it will be wrong if I say she ditched me. Perhaps, it was a good decision for her.

Actually, I had been planning in my mind, as well out in the open that how we would move to Bangalore and how lovely it would be live together in a flat. I had plans for our future together. It sounds ridiculous; I thought certainly we were in love. Sad, I was wrong.

I got to know that she loved herself more than she loved me (As she said, she loved me). I couldn't give her what she really wanted, and she moved on; perhaps to find another one. I guess it was right. Why to make sacrifices for a “masculine” man like me.

Few days back, it was all good, we were so connected, and everything was fine. What happened later I don’t know; I guess it was harder and harder for her to connect with me. Things went weary and cynical. On the other hand, I was a fool who kept thinking that it was a phase, or a hiccup.

One day, she said she was going home to talk to her parents about engagement and all. I don’t know how the thought of “WE ARE DIFFERENT” hit her and the very next day I came to know that it wasn't a hiccup. She said, “I am afraid I would be swallowed up forever. I am exhausted. We can’t marry. We are different. Things are not working out.”

She gave me many unfortunate importance of the issues like uncertain or probable fights after marriage, slapping her or abusing her; over greater matters like love and togetherness. I feel no matter how open-minded she was, she could have discussed it before entering a serious relationship. When she knew that there would be a gorge before the finish line of a race, why she had to run that race? Anyways, it was I who continuously forced her to marry me. So, I guess it was never her fault. She said it was good telling "NO" now rather after engagement or marriage.

Further she explained me that she was not sure if I’d be able to grab her hand to make sure she will be fine after marriage. I was in shock to hear that she is scared of me, yes me!! And I was the one who used to think she loves me. But, the thing was that she didn't want to be in relationship from very beginning I guess. It took her a year to take a decision that she is not growing, I was not growing, and things are not going right and thus no relationship any more.

What I had to say that it was wrong to string me along while she  was oscillating for more than a year in indecision. It was really very simple; as a saying goes "Shit or get off the pot!" Why didn't she shut her eyes and visualized her future? What was harder to live without, it was me, or the luxuries she wanted? Why she is now pretending of being brutally honest and then summoning the courage to take this step of ending everything?

I am sure what would be her reasons for the break up. She would say I was the one who treated her badly, I was freak, and I would slap her someday. Actually, it pains me greatly to have to admit that she was partly right; but I was damn sure that things change always. I loved her; it was wrong to end the relationship only because she is scared of me or my anger. She always believed that a “feminine energy woman” must look for a man who can fulfill her needs, not suppress her own needs in deference to his. She made me realize that love is not enough to get married. You should marry only if you get 100% commitment from the physical, mental, and emotional prospects.

Even I gave up finally and I am ashamed the way it ended (I abused her); but the hardest part is that you feel so many different levels of pain and you don’t know which one to process first. The hardest part is convincing yourself that you need to break up with someone you love in the first place. I called her and her parents hundred times and talked a couple of times. what I had to hear was. "Let my daughter live peacefully, leave her alone. She isn't interested in you. What are you talking about! Engagement and all was never there; we don't know about the dates and all." I tried talking politely but finally I gave up. After sometimes she called and asked me not to disturb her and her parents. I was in shock. She was very calm and cool as it was all normal; as if nothing had happened. She was selfishly and shamelessly talking how it was a good decision. I said it happens, it doesn't mean we should break up, but she was firm on her decision. I screamed in anger that I wont let her life peacefully and many more. I am a Bihari and it was always a problem for them. They have their own mindset about Biharis. I won't keep her safe, I wont respect her, I will beat her, abuse her etc. Even her father told me the same. He was very very rude.

Now, I feel like a criminal, I could have stopped her. I feel a deep loneliness. I lost the one whom I used to text “good morning” and “good night” every single day. I keep being reminded by every small things related to her directly or indirectly. These things may be a song, photos, words said by her and many more. I keep getting an intense urge to call her and talk or to text her. It’s like reliving the break-up over and over again. But I don’t want to hear another “NO”. I don’t have courage to bear rejections by her any more. She proved me bad, I am freak, I get angry very soon, I abuse and I am full of shit.

I guess everything would be fine and normal one day. Sometimes, the right decision is the most difficult. I fear I wouldn't be able to “fix” my feelings but you know she already fixed what I couldn't; simply by ending the relationship. I hope It was the best for both of us, even if it doesn't feel like it now. All I could do is let my emotions wash over me and let the healing process start.

And yes, I want to wish her all the best for her future.

Friday, 6 February 2015

AIB Roast: Controversial or Extra Rare Comedy?


Over the last week, AIB Roast has been the talk of the town. All the social media have been flooded with the negative (some positive) feedback about the show. People are showing outrage after watching it. Some people are ranting on politicians' views that they are regressive. Some are saying that it is a clear violation of freedom of speech and many more.

Anyways I watched all the 3 parts of the AIB Roast and enjoyed it. At the same time at some instances I felt amused and disgusted. I would have watched it twice if it has not been removed from YouTube.

Yet I am a liberal person, I don't believe that the video was completely harmless. I believe that the outcry about the negative impact on Indian culture may be right. Many people like me choosing not to see the negative about the the show. There is already a war between "liberal" and "lame, regressive." I don't want to write anything that presents me as a "AIB lover" and I have nothing to do with the comments like "AIB is sexual" or  "AIB not in line with Indian culture."

You can watch the video here:  AIB Roast Full Video

I know that some of my friends will categorize me being regressive for supporting all those politicians who are already declared "old, lame" by the "young, liberals". These politicians stated the show as a "Porn Show" and sorry folks, I have to say, it was!! Although some of the incidents touched the so called taboos in Indian society but for me it was yet unhealthy for the masses. 

I am not saying that the video should have not made available on YouTube or it should be censored; neither I am saying that all the FIR complaints made were right. But, at the same time I don't believe all the jokes and humour made were good for the society; although those were well-intended for a good humour. Our society is very diverse and it is not necessary that everyone will take it in a right way and these jokes might have a serious issues and results. Our masses don't live in the context of roast.

We can't deny the fact that these celebrities have a very big influence on people. It might be possible that some day a person will quote the same jokes (like, “Tanmay Bhatt is so fat…”, “Ashish Shakya is so black…”, “Aditi Mittal is only here so Ranveer Singh can have someone to jerk off to on stage”) on a fat boy in class or a dark-skinned girl in the group. And, I am sure these types of jokes wont stop here. Why it will stop? Ranveer Singh does it. Arjun Kapoor does it. Karan Johar does it. India loved it.

I believe that "Roast" itself has a problem. As per my knowledge, it is a means of humour for a confined people who enjoy it taking it in a healthy way and return back to their cultured and liberal lives.

But, the sad thing is that Indian society in not yet prepared for it.

Thursday, 5 February 2015

नाना का घर

मेरे बचपन की सभी यादें लगभग धुंधली पड़ चुकी हैं जब मैं अपने नाना के यहाँ रहता था । मेरे दोस्त कौन थे, किनके साथ मैं खेलता था, कुछ याद नहीं है।  अब तो अपने नाना -नानी के चेहरे भी याद नहीं हैं , कुछ धुंधली तस्वीरें हैं यादों में दबे हुए।
मैं खुद पे हैरान होता हूँ जब ये सोचता हु की कैसे मैं अकेले ही एक दिन अपने नाना घर पहुंच गया वो भी पन्द्रह सालों बाद।
आपको तो पता ही होगा मेरे भाई के बारे में, वो एक दिन बिन बताये कहीं चला गया।  वैसे वो अक्सर घर से फरार हो जाया करता था, पर इस बार ज्यादा हो गया।  कुछ १०-१२ दिन हो गए थे उसे घर से गायब हुए। बहुत पता करने के बाद पता चला की वो मामा के घर (बिहार) चला गया है। वैसे तो हमारे मां घर का नाम "इन्द्रपुरी" था, लेकिन हम उससे "पटनवा" कहते थे।
अब मुझे जाना था उससे लेने, वरना वो आता नहीं। पापा तो जा नहीं सकते , कभी गए भी नहीं; कम से कम हमारे उनके साथ आने के बाद तो कभी नही।
शुक्र है की मुझे कुछ अनुभव हो चूका था यात्रा करने का, मैं किसी तरह इन्द्रपुरी उर्फ़ पटनवा पहुंच गया। अब मुझे वैसा ही लग रहा था जैसे शाहरुख़ खान को "करन-अर्जुन" फिल्म में लग रहा था जब वो अपने गाँव में पहुचता है और उससे पुराने जनम की बातें याद आने लगती है।
मुझे पुरानी नहर याद आती है, पीपल  का पेड़ और उस पे रहने वाले बन्दर भी याद आते हैं।  मैं पुरानी पगडण्डी पकड़ के यादों में खोया हुआ चलता जाता हूँ। जब भी मुझे लगता था मैं सही रास्ते पे हूँ, मुझे ख़ुशी होती थी।
मेरे हाथ में बैग था जो कंधे से टंगा हुआ था। आखिर में मैं पहुंच ही गया अपने नाना के घर और वो भी बिना  किसी से पूछे। जब मैं दरवाज़े पे था तो मेरे मासी खड़ी थी। मुझे तो थोड़ा लगा की मेरी गुड्डी मासी है पर उन्होंने मुझे सेल्स मैन समझा और बोला हमे कुछ नहीं चाहिए। मुझे थोड़ी हस्सी आई पर मैं बोला "मैं अमित"!!
उनका चेहरा देखने लायक था. बोली "आओ आओ"।अन्दर देखा तोह पवन मस्त खेल रहा है, पार्टी कर रहा है।
मैं नानी को मिला। उनमे ज्यदा परिवर्तन नहीं आया था , फिर इधर वुधर की बातें की। शिकवा -शिकायत हुये।
मैंने उन्हें पवन के बारे में बताया , तो बोली वो ऐसा ही है।
याद नहीं की मैं उसी दिन वहां से लौट आया या दूसरे दिन।  पर मुझे उन्हें बहुत सी बातें बतानी थी , बहुत सारी चीज़े कहनी थी।
पता नहीं फिर कब मिल पाउँगा।
शायद फिर से पवन एक बार वहां चला जाए औए उसके पीछे मैं भी चला जाऊं। 

Sunday, 18 January 2015

People are Nice Around Me

You are surrounded by the people; some may be bad for you or some may be nice. This is same for me also, but in my case I feel almost all people around me are better than me. All are nice except me.

As an example, I am not ready to help the person every time who is not so very close to me, but some of my friends are. They think they should be helped whenever they are in need. Of course they are nice people. Sometimes I think what the profit is; what will I get in return? That person is of no use. Although I help some of them, still these things come to my mind.

Years back I had a breakup or the girl whom I proposed ignored me completely. What you think; in this case what will I do? Now the scenario is that I have nothing to do with her. I don’t care about that person anymore; I am no longer a well wisher for her. I am like “all or none” type of person. I mean to say that I don’t bother what’s happening in her life.

In contrast of this; see what other people do.

I was talking with a friend of mine who is very caring (More than extra). In the course of conversation I got to know that she still wants everything good about her ex. She told me that she will pray for her ex that he gets whatever is best for him, even the girl with whom he is getting married. Her words were, “I’ll pray if she is good for him, sab theek ho jayega. If the relationship is good for him; I pray it will happen (marriage) because I want best for him.”

Now I think how she can be like this? How she can be so nice to him? Any ways, there are people who are always nice.

People celebrate the success of their friends, but I envy them. Sometimes I feel jealousy. Am I not bad? People buy gifts for the people who are not very close to them; I don’t do so. I don’t even buy gifts. There are few occasions, which can be counted on fingers when I gifted something to someone. Am I not bad? Actually, people around me are better than me. Nicer than me. I am trying to be a nice guy. I am learning from them.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Hello, My Old friend

People who visit my blog know about “The 4 A’s”, but I want to tell you that before these A’s there was an another friend of mine who was very close—Ashutosh.

We used to call him “Choubey Ji” (His full name is Ashutosh Choubey). We had a different impression of him upon ourselves. He is an orthodox Hindu Brahmin boy. We used to see him using the sacred thread around his ears while using toilets. We used to laugh. I remember him as the only friend then. We studied together from class 6th to 10th. Although we are a little apart during our board exams but I can’t remember a moment of separation. We are in touch although we haven’t met for years.

He has had no any bad habits, not at all (at least at that time). He was the guy with whom my dad had no problems. He used to say Ashutosh, a nice guy. I confess that I had a sort of rivalry with him. He has much more ambitions, but I had a secret motto to keep him behind me. Thanks to him, as doing so I got really good in some of the subjects and got highest in a couple of subjects. I still cherish it, I wonder because our class was full of studious students and a cut-throat competition was making it worse (and, I was never a part of it).

I got to know that now he has started drinking and smoking (heard somewhere). When I called him and asked him to have a drink party; he replied that he will be there anytime soon and wont say NO until I have enough of alcohol and I finally say NO. Yet I think he occasionally drinks and smokes.

Yesterday I had enough of alcohol and suddenly I started talking about him with my friends. I missed him. I remembered my beautiful old days and thought to write something about it.

We have many things common; we are both Brahmins, belong to middle class family and were vegetarians that time. Although, I was not his best friend, but for me he was. I remember, that time when everyone was moving to different schools for higher studies according to their preferences, we had to fill slam books (I loved it). There was a section saying “your best friend” and I remember; I had written Ashutosh’s name every time.

He is very strong both physically and mentally. When we were in class 7th or 8th; we had a fight. I don’t think he remembers it, but I remember this. We were talking about some study related question and we each had a separate answer. I thought I was right and furiously slapped him and he just did not react back. I mean, he would have slapped me back. He just gave me a look of shock. As I told you; he is very strong, I just think what if he would have slapped me back and you know I was nowhere close to him an physical strength. I felt very sad, although I was not talking to him, inside I was praying God to make Ashutosh talk to me. Anyways it was not for a long time. I was happy that he understood everything and forgave me.

It’s sad that our friendship is not like before or I think our friendship is same but it needs a catalyst. It might also be possible that our friendship is temporarily off in mundane and sophistication.

I wish him all the best. He should get what he deserves.

Saturday, 10 January 2015

She Says

[Initially]

I say, "I love you."
She says, "I love you too. I love you very much. I can't live without you."
                             
                              [Romantic chats follow]
                                              .
                                              .
                                              .
                                           
                                     [After sometime]

I say, " But, I love you."
She says, " Now, I love me more. Don't marry me"

I say, "Can't you change yourself; we will be happy together?"
She says, "I cant change myself for anyone, not for you also. Change yourself. Don't marry me"

I say, "We will be getting married; don't you think you should improve."
She says, "Don't you think asking to 'improve' itself is wrong? How can you ask me to improve? Accept me as I am or else don't marry me."

I say, "Can't you be a little sacrificing for me?"
She says, "OMG!! It's enough!! It's a love marriage and you are asking me to be sacrificing? Don't marry me."

I say, "You have ego problem."
She says, "You are not less. And yes I have ego. Then, don't marry me"

I say, "You don't respect me."
She says, "Of course I do. Don't you see how I talk to you. Actually you haven't seen a REAL me."
[I recall her statements going through the conversation again]

                                        [No contact mode]