Wednesday, April 19, 2017

My Ink of Love

I run away from your memories
Trying more than I could
My laugh is a perfected performance
To hide from the hollowness in my heart

I run away from your memories
Tears stream with words I cannot say
I mislay myself in the unforeseen certainty
Ghosts of hope and refutation live within me

I run away from your memories
In the wake of darkness, my heart spurts sentiment
I cannot outpace my memories
I slide in to failure, you still own my heart

I run away from your memories
But I cannot
You bottled up straight in to my heart
The more I escape from your memories
The more they are poured in my ink of love

Tragedy She Wrote

I loved a girl who loved writing
She wrote poems on my naked soul
For the love I had for her
She wrote her name on the palms of my hands
I thought it is our love story
But at the end
She wrote a tragedy.

Monday, April 3, 2017

My Postbreakup Realizations

I understood now that it had to happen. She had to dump me eventually. Realizations are late but these surely make me experienced and wiser. I should have read her intentions when she said to me that she was in relationship and currently want someone to be with her. I knew she used to have crushes very easily, yet I got along with her. I was such an idiot. Nonetheless, it was the beginning of the end of my carefree and happy life.

The first thing I realized is that she never introduced me with her friends, whereas I let my friends talk to her. Perhaps this was the indication, which I always neglected. Perhaps she never wanted to marry me or maybe she was ashamed of calling me her boyfriend. It was never her intension to bring me in her life.

She casually, but with earnest intent, said NO for the first time when I asked her for the marriage. I should have known, she never wanted to marry. Her NO was never deliberate, it was all planned. Eventually I had to bear her rejections for at least five times. I thought she was confused or scared of marriage. But now I know, she actually never wanted to marry. May be I was just a physical need for her.

She was in a relationship before me for more than 6 years, starting from her school days, which continued upto her college and postcollege days. If she had no problem at all in leaving him, I was not worth a rap. Lol. I thought she really loved me, it must be different. Such a dumbass I was. Shit! I was blindly trusting her fake promises.

I don’t want to forget when I read one of her letters to her ex bf. She had expressed all of her wild feelings about him and had used same words what she had used for me. Lol. Nothing was different. I didn't care, I thought that was her past and I am her future. But, I was wrong. I ignored this, as I was deeply in her love. I trusted her. Sadly, she never loved me. Those words were lies. I should have understood that I was just another guy in her life, probably the third guy. How she could have the same emotions and feelings, which were already there for her ex. Anyway, I know now the truth. For me, the most-hated sentence in this world is "no matter what happens, I will never leave you." Lol. These words ruined my life.

This meme perfectly shows my reaction whenever I remember her fake promises. LOL.

She never put her efforts in working out the issues we had, she never compromised  with her needs so that she just could to be with me. She said that all these hurt her self-respect. And sadly, I was losing myself only to be with her. I should have understood that only I was serious in that so-called relationship. She was just playing with me or she was just waiting for the right time so that she can dump me and run away, without a goodbye.

I should have understood when she said she believes in “my body my choice.” I was just a choice and after using me and playing with my emotions she discarded me like an object. Of course it was her body her choice. I should have understood that her kind of being ultra-feminist is not good for me. I should have understood her filmy and weird definition of feminism. She was an ultramodern girl and I was a normal guy who believed that if I love her, she will love me back. Come on, How is it possible that she finally came to know that "nothing is working out" after a 6-year relationship. This is disgusting. She realized it after using me for 6 years, amazing.

I should have realized every time when we used to have a fight, I was the one who used to say sorry first. She, on the other hand, has to say “it’s over”. She literally showed me my value. I had to beg her to be in my life. I hate myself for ignoring these.

When she could run away a week before our engagement, why I had to accept her again? See, how idiot I am. I forgot everything that she left me and my family shattered. She dusted my family’s respect and honor in the society and I accepted her again only to be humiliated again. What a waste I am. I didn't know if she could run away that time why she can’t again. And finally she showed her true colors.

I should have understood why she never looked back whenever I dropped her at her place. And I looked at her every time until I lost her sight.

I should have known my value when she said I can’t afford her expanses if I marry her. I should have known that I am the guy who is not rich and she will eventually dump me.

I should have understood why she had a lot of unfortunate reasons for why we shouldn't marry rather than why we should be together. I should have understood why it was very easy for her to say NO every time she was in a bad mood.

I should have understood.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Losses After a Breakup

What hurts me more is that I still don’t know the reason behind my break up. I am still searching for the answers. Whenever, by any means, If I see her photo or hear her name, my heart still pounds. She forgot her promises and the happy moments we had. Even she forgot me too. I just want to run away from her memories; I want to go away from this city. But I can’t. I am unable to do so.

It may sound weird but I have stopped believing people. I am not able to say thank you to anybody. I am unable to fully appreciate the favor done by people around me or care shown by them. It is very frustrating, as I feel they are doing all these for something in return. I can’t help it; it makes me sad. My life has become ordinary and very much realistic. My life doesn’t motivate me at all. What I have left is few professional goals, nothing else. I don’t dream now, not for anything, except of her sometimes. I dream only to be with her again. I hope one day I will stop dreaming.

I find her memories in each of my favorite songs. I loved music, but I have stopped listening music, especially the romantic ones. They are not for me now. I don’t like relationships now. It’s not like I haven’t tried to be in relationship, but I can’t fake love. I can’t accept anyone at all. Funny thing is that, after break up I had only one thing to discuss with my friends—her. I tortured few of them by talking about her. Then I realized it doesn't make anything right. Moreover, few of my friends left me because of this. Other reason is that I have stopped picking their calls or replying their messages. I have lost friends.

I used to be a charming person, now I have lost my charm. It seems I am the most boring person on earth, no life in me. Now I can’t impress anyone, not even my seniors or my boss in office. But no worries, not a big deal I guess. No matter where I go, people ask about my marriage, even in my office. Yes, I am a bachelor, and I am in the right age of marriage according to the standards of society. But, I have been saying NO to my parents for a long time as I wanted to marry only her. I don’t know why still I have been saying NO. It really made my parents and close relatives pissed off and sad eventually. It breaks my heart to see their sad and humiliated faces sometimes, then I think that they don’t understand me. I was in love, lol. But I can’t help it. If I marry a girl. It will ruin her life along with the relatives. I have already ruined mine. My parents have disowned me. They no longer talk to me, nor do I. My life has become a mess. I have heard enough from my parents, I don’t know what has happened. I don’t know they will be the same for me. Also, I am not me what I used to be before. I will try to talk to them, I know they are very very angry, as I have dusted their honor and respect in society. What a waste I am.

I cry for her but I wipe my tears and try to move on. I wait for the happy moments. I believe this phase of my life will pass. I feel I am the toughest guy in the world. I have lost a lot of things and she never cared.

For all the losses, I blame myself. Friends had warned me about her, but I guess it had to happen. I have developed a loser image. It feels like I have nothing. No one loves me, I don’t love anybody. All these are really heart breaking. I know it all but still I am helpless, I can’t do anything even after trying so hard.
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