Friday, 26 June 2015
Wednesday, 6 May 2015
I was talking to my friend that I had a fight with my girlfriend. He didn’t ask why. He simply said that It happens and don’t ever try to make a girl understand your point. His exact word were “ladkiyan itni hi samjhdaar hoti toh jhgda kyon hota.”
Meanwhile I went through many other articles and blog posts. Some were very funny and others were simply implying that a man can never win an argument with a woman, which was eventually true. I have realized that generally women start the argument from nowhere stating the facts based on their feelings.
Women argue only to be heard and feel loved quoting that they are right. If they feel that they may loss over the argument they intelligently shift the topic giving new reasons and pointless statements. On the other hand men argue just to make a point that women don’t listen. Women don’t engage in the argument in which the man wants her to engage in.
What I have to hear from my girlfriend is this:
“I don’t want to be in an argument. I don’t want to be a winner or a loser. I don’t want to compete. I don’t want to argue over my beliefs, feelings, values and my perspectives. Just hear and understand me or be understood. Let’s have a healthy conversation and solve the issues. We can create a solution that will work for both of us.”
After this the conversation starts and gradually it becomes an argument.
What I have to say is:
“What is this belief, ideas or concepts (I give some new information, at least new for her)?”
Finally after evaluating the facts and information, I eliminate all irrelevant things and come to a solution. After the argument, if I feel it enlightening; on the other hand she feels pain and discomfort.
After a series of arguments I understood that a she argues only to be heard and understood; and for this she present her ideas, feeling and many other issues. I question what she is saying whether it is rational or whether it makes sense (I was wrong in many cases). The point will be valid only if it holds up under the argument. Sometime I don’t experience myself arguing.
Simply, she just doesn’t want to be rational. She just wants me to hear beyond her words. She tries to get out of argument but she can’t.
On the opposite hand, I want her to see the other prospective, to be more rational or to change the mind. Eventually she starts repeating her points again and again. She gets frustrated in to tears telling that she is not being heard and understood.
I feel helpless to understand why she is upset. It makes no sense to me at all. Suddenly she starts telling why she feels that way getting angrier and angrier. How can I win the argument where she is refusing to be in the argument what I am trying to have with her? I cannot win an argument that she will not engage in.
I remember an example. She once said that her father had been alone for 2 years doing all the household works by himself. I replied (taking it casually), “only 2 years na. SO what?” And she became upset. I think she just wanted me to be excited over this, but I didn’t. She meant “2 YEARS” a metaphor for “A LOT.”
Now I think that this was very simplistic, but what to do; couldn’t avert another argument. She was telling that I am not listening in to the matter; I was saying that she was exaggerating. I feel blamed even if she says that she doesn’t want to argue about this and then again another argument starts. Ha!!
So, there is only one way to stop an argument—(of course you can’t win it) to listen your woman silently.
I see people doing things, which I hate the most. I think why they have to do this; what is wrong with them? I expect them to do the things which are right and what should be done. I expect them to do their job. It is sad that I can’t deal with mine and I do the same, exactly the same thing.
Although I realized it lately, but I have to admit that I am a HYPOCRITE. I hate the people who are hypocrites yet I am one of them. Some recent incidents made me more amazingly conscious about my own hypocrisy. Now, everything I say makes me think whether I would do this if I fall in to the same situation. I feel I how can I expect others to do the same thing If I can’t.
I am highly educated. I use latest gadgets. I show sympathy for needy people. I like, comment and share the meaningful messages. I say nice words that express my sincerity towards the social issues. I reply back to my friends messages. I preach others to be helpful and sensitive.
On the other day, I see a sweating and hyperventilating old woman roaming across the busy road. I ignore her; I don’t pay any attention to her. I don’t help her to buy food or cloths. Am I not a hypocrite?
I say that every person should learn to play at least one musical instrument; yet I don’t visit the music class which is 5 minutes away from my house. I expect my girlfriend to be sacrificing and love me unconditionally, yet I don’t do the same. I believe that my life partner should be mature and independent yet I expect her to follow my directions. Am I not a hypocrite? Yes, I am and I am stating the obvious.
I believe I don’t care what people think about me. I shout at my friends why they care so much about their IMAGE. Then again I find myself angry if I hear that someone said something wrong about me. Ideally I should not care about the talks behind my back right? But you see I am a hypocrite. The greatest proof that I am a hypocrite is that I am a God believer yet I don’t think my prayer will be answered.
I don't want people to think I'm a hypocrite and this itself makes me one. But it won’t be wrong if I say that everybody is a hypocrite. You can't live on this planet without being a hypocrite.
One thing matters here is that, if you are a hypocrite then to what degree?
Saturday, 25 April 2015
I always believed that love is an action; it’s neither an emotion nor a feeling. Feeling has only one role—bringing two persons together.
I can explain this through an example. Imagine any two strangers—like all of us, who were isolated, without love. Suddenly you break the wall between them bringing them together and having the most exciting experience in their life. Of course this sudden intimacy will be facilitated by sexual attraction and consummation. Can you say it “love”? Obviously this type of love is not long lasting. This is the nature of this type of love.
In course of time, as they become more familiar with each other, their intimacy loses its miraculous character. Yet, they believe they are in love; they take the intensity of their intimacy or infatuation as love. More they explore each other, faster their own person gets exhausted and slowly becomes less and less intense. This may end in a wish for a new conquest, a new love with the same illusion of love. The glue temporarily holding them together is feeling-based “love.” It takes little effort and requires almost no thoughts; it is self-oriented and dependent on others for personal satisfaction. What I mean to say that feeling-oriented love is associated to what you believe others think about you, how others treat you, or how they make you feel.
As feelings change, people change and so the circumstances. That is why, in this case, a promise to love someone forever is not a realistic promise. Soon the relationship tends to part away. Here you need to do something, only your actions will help you to be together not your emotions.
I believe love should be sacrificial relying on your efforts. Love never ends; it is not based on feelings. In fact, feelings can often run counter to the expressions of true love. Love can be expressed in spite of feelings through our commitment, not because of what you may think or “feel” about others. As we grow up in love, we know that true love has little to do with feelings but everything to do with our response of trust and loving commitments.
You want your relationship to last long. For this you need to stop thinking that love is that feeling of butterflies in your belly or a scatty feeling of attraction. Start thinking that love is about admiration, promise, faithfulness, and the conscious preference to move past negative emotions that might pull things apart.
Even I can say that love is a choice rather than a feeling or emotion or anything sexual. Love can exist even if there is no feeling. I admit that happy feelings are very important to be together, but our everyday actions we chose to do are more important. Imagine when a couple had a huge argument; it is possible that they just might not feel loving toward each other at all. But they still make the decision to be together and not to leave each other. They decide to treat each other well and put their partner’s needs ahead of their own.
Opposite of this you can start blaming that you are not feeling loved, you are not getting enough respect or you are not feeling that you should be together. Someone who doesn't put in effort yet claims to love has no place in my heart. I am not saying that feeling love is a selfish thing because it is obvious that the same feeling will bring that love to action. That is why couples marry as they love each other and felt love at first. But, if you care only about your feelings then you don’t love your partner. You bring your feeling into action because you want your partner to know that they are being loved. I don’t know how you can choose to love, without having any feelings. But I know that feelings are the one that make you to do anything for your partner. At the same time, I, just me, believe that feeling can go forever. To have the love you need to put efforts. To have the feelings of love you need to act.