What hurts me more that I still don’t know the reason behind my break up. I am still searching for the answer. Whenever, by any means, If I see her pic or hear her name, my heart still pounds. She forgot her promises and the happy moments we had. Even she forgot me too. I want to run away from her memories; I want to go away from this city. But I can’t. I am unable to do so.
I cry for her but I wipe my tears and try to move on. I wait for the happy moments. I feel I am the toughest guy in the world. I have lost a lot of things and she never cared.
It may sound weird but I have stopped believing people. I am not able to say thanks you to anybody. I am unable to fully appreciate the favor done by people around me or care shown by them. It is very frustrating, as I feel they are doing all these for something in return. I can’t help it; it makes me sad. My life has become ordinary and very much realistic. My life doesn’t motivate me at all. What I have left is few professional goals, nothing else. I don’t dream now, not for anything, except of her sometimes. I dream only to be with her again. I hope one day I will stop dreaming.
I find her memories in each of my favorite songs. I loved music, but I have stopped listening music, especially romantic ones. They are not for me now. I don’t like relationship now. It’s not like I haven’t tried to be in relationship, but I can’t fake love. I can’t accept anyone at all. Funny thing is that, after break up I had only one thing to discuss with my friends—her. I tortured few of them by talking about her. Then I realized it doesn’t make anything right. Moreover few of my friends left because of this, other thing is that I stopped picking their calls or replying their messages. I have lost friends.
I used to be a charming person, now I have lost my charm. It seems I am the most boring person on earth, no life in me. Now I can’t impress anyone, not even my seniors or my boss in office. But no worries, not a big deal I guess. No matter where I go, people ask about my marriage, even in my office. Yes, I am a bachelor and I am in the right age of marriage according to the standards of society. But I have been saying NO to my parents for a long time as I wanted to marry only her. I don’t know why still I have been saying NO. It really made my parents and close relatives pissed off and sad eventually. It breaks my heart to see their sad and humiliated faces sometimes, then I think they don’t understand me. I was in love, lol. But I can’t help it. If I marry a girl. It will ruin her life along with the relatives. I have already ruined mine. My parents have virtually disowned me. They no longer talk to me, nor do I. My life has become a mess. I have heard from my parents enough, I don’t know what has happened. I don’t know they will be the same for me. Also, I am not me what I used to be before.
For all the losses, I blame myself. Friends have warned me, but it had to happen. I have developed a loser image. It feels like I have nothing. No one loves me, I don’t love anybody. All these are really heart breaking. I know it all but still I am helpless, I can’t do anything even after trying so hard.