I want to write about something other than love and emotions but I think my pen is attached to my heart rather to my mind. I want to write about myself but I flow towards something else.
I wanted to write something about myself, not about my life or my family but something about an eternal me. So you know that I am awfully a shy person, who speaks less and minds his own business. He is not one of those who tell everything about himself in the first meeting itself. Infact, it will take a large number of meetings to get even a little close to him.
With strong likes and dislikes and predetermined concept I have a natural feeling of insecurity and shyness, and this prevents me from taking risks and thereby inhibits my growth…lol I know all these but I can’t do anything. I can’t change myself..hope people like me as I am.
I feel there are two me’s inside me, one who is superficial, very common, who moves up and down when he supposed to move…and the other one is somewhat deeper part that worries a lot, thinks a lot, dreams a lot. People guess that I am one and synchronized…but I feel I am two whole different people ..ripped apart. Other than this I think I am somewhat more sensitive but yes it is not very difficult for me to merge in the environment.
Everyone desires to be admired and loved but in my case it is dominant…..this is the reason I get emotional a lot more often than others…Thank God no one has seen me crying during watching movies….LOL
I get sad and dejected at times and then. Then, suddenly my abstraction will disappear and I will be sparkling with wit and humor. I see fairytale dreams frequently. However I am close to reality as anyone can be. I have been understanding, imaginative. I desire to success. But at the same time I am very moody. And thus I tend to get hurt easily, but the hard outer shell I use to show holds my feelings quietly behind its walls….
Every time you meet me you will find you are meeting a different person each time. I may be nervous and fickle one moment… extremely confident the second minute and too shy the very next… my frown can easily turn, first, into smile and then, into a laugh… lol my mood swings confuse all. BUT YOU KEEP TRYING!!!..LOL
Come to this, when I look harsh and distant at times, but inside its different; its like I remain kind and affectionate. You see rudeness is not one of my personality traits, if you see some rudeness than it is just to hide my true and vulnerable feelings.
As the water runs deep; it seeks its own level and will flow until it has found it..same way my feelings are flowing. They join the present with past experiences..
But, sometimes the waters are so deep that we cannot put words to our feelings. Anyways, I enjoy meeting people, getting to know them, spending time with them, and then after burn-out again I will have a tendency to up and disappear for a time, to reflect and reconnect with himself, that time it seems that the unexpressed anger has turned into resentment and depression.
But again this is like the water of a smoothly surfaced lake. No apparent movement, yet beneath the surface there is movement, currents and much hidden activity…..THIS IS ME…!!!